FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
You Might Also Like
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff