Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”