Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?