Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!