Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
wait.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.