I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Interior design 👌
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Good Morning.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence