When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Clients after you give them your rates
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.