Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.