@KatieBurnett: Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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@theshantilly: Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
@LawbsterSaid: "Wow! Can you believe it's almost June already?!" YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH
@fanofhell: guy: hey that's a great truck. what kinda engine? me: [rubbing the hood] it's got a truck engine
@AlisonChrista: *dies and gets to hell* I really thought I’d lived a good life. *Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away* Oh yeah. Fair enough.