@KatieBurnett: Facebook's great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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@CallousBalzac: My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me "literally, nothing is interesting to me".
@Fred_Delicious: [Duck support group] "After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day" *the other ducks nod sympathetically*
@david8hughes: Son: what will happen when I die? Me [lowers newspaper]: there'll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we'll turn your room into a gym
@thenoahkinsey: Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar? Waiter: This is sugar. *GB stands pissed* GB: THIS..IS...SPLENDA!! *GB kicks waiter through glass panel*