Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
(yawn)
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.