@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".
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@Brentweets: I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
@NoorShamma: Understand men, or die trying. Or try dying. Or quit trying. Or lie crying. Or cry tweeting. Or tweet trying, to understand men.
@FlyJ_: My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: WOW. Look at those legs! Her: Thank you. M: They'd look great around my neck! H: Hey! M: Wish I'd brought my saw. H: WHAT?!? M: Nothing.