@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".
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@david8hughes: [son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
@tastefactory: *bees surround guy* AHHH GET THEM AWAY "Don't make any sudden movements" *suddenly the Macarena comes on* Oh no...
@meganamram: I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
@Ant_F3ltz: Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds... it's yours to keep.