Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.