[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia