[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later