Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.