Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Introverted vegans go meetless
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.