Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
😎 🍻
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.