Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”