Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.