Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Happy thanksgiving!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
it must be school picture day
Monday
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”