Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
black phone good
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.