@pixelatedboat: Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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@dannylonglegs99: "Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now" "Emo? Nah yo, EMU" "Im confused.." *A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt* "Hi confused, Im Dad"
@Reverend_Scott: Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
@loudmouth_usa: My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I'm super interesting
@TheFearBoners: The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong's interview is the Tour de France.