@pixelatedboat: Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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@AnOrangeSNES: To make a long story short: Hamlet: Everyone dies Macbeth: Everyone dies Titanic: Everyone dies Twilight: You want to die
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [After reading vows] Me: Why are you upset? Her: Me: Was it the Donald- Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
@bobvulfov: TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade