Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.