Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!