@TheAlexNevil: Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s that? Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you. *eats her bacon*
@AndyRichter: Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives' approximations of human behavior
@BromanConsul: "Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him