Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Breaking news:
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
it’s finally my moment to shine
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?