fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”