@SteussieErica: FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It's scary down there.
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@graceful_asfuck: Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
@OldUncleDaveO: Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
@Manda_like_wine: Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
@SuperRandomish: If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say "Matt?" My name will always be Matt.
@BaileysIrishTom: What's the best way to remove a grass stain? Alcohol? I don't see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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