@SteussieErica: FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It's scary down there.
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@goldengateblond: OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo GOP: no OBAMA: But you haven't even— GOP: no OBAMA: ... GOP: no OBAMA: I'm resigning GOP: no OBAMA: haha gotcha
@iQuoteComedy: That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
@Jennarater: Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.
@leifromloihi: [opens fortune cookie] be careful what you wish for [opens another] this is your final warning