FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Mornin. * use accordingly
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Every haunted house movie:
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?