FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet