FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.