@markydoodoo: FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say "now everybody clap yo hands" he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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@Book_Krazy: Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise? Me: Does sex count as exercise? Dr: Yes. Me: No.
@xodeadlykissxo: Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
@Freudianscript: When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.
@thatdutchperson: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past? *flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years* ME: totes