FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.