FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You Might Also Like
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.