*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.