“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
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clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”