A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
This is Sparta
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I triple waxed for this?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.