@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
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@KeetPotato: gang leader: "this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store" me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] "you should be more specific"
@AlexRogaski: You don't serve tuna do you? "No sir, we don't serve fish here" *A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
@KentWGraham: My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
@ibid78: [God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer? [sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh