@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
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@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
@haleysfalling: [showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@DaddyJew: Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.