@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
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@mjkspeaks: [arguing w girlfriend] Her: I feel like we have communication problems. Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
@CyborgHanky: I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars. Business is booming.
@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?