Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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Tremendous stuff
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Whoa… oh I see lol
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.