@hand_jive: Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I'm catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*
@b0dymassage: 'Joe whats that package ya got today?' "ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO" 'Well its about time, right?' "RIGHT"
@zachreinert03: One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story? Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night. 8yo: WHAT?! Me: goodnight, buddy.