Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…