Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
favorite tropes as memes
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.