Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You Might Also Like
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
emergency phone
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’