@copymama: Fact: Moms yelling out "careful!" have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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@dumbbeezie: I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
@KyleMcDowell86: [Little Caesar's meeting] "We need a new, clever slogan" *everyone looks at Jim* Jim: Um... Pizza...Pizza? "Jim...U just saved this company"
@Love_bug1016: Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around? Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.