Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
You Might Also Like
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Autocorrect completely socks
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.