Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Every work call, he judges.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
bears
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat