@TheBoydP: Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
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@Tmoney68: I'm not saying I'm getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
@Mr_Kapowski: If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.
@capricecrane: Accidentally walked into the men's room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
@Be___Dope: Cashier: You're the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today. Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts * It's still love though.