Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
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I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?