FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
You Might Also Like
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.