FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN