FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
no one likes gloating
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful