facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
i actually laughed 😩
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.