god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My daily affirmation
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.